I'm Alive

So... I haven't posted in forever. I get in cycles where I'm either too busy or I'm so sick of drama that I don't want to talk about it with anybody. Or... there are very brief periods where everything seems okay and I don't really have anything to write about. I wish those were more common.

Right at the moment, I'm fighting with the financial aid office at school, trying to quit my job, figuring out how to get my car fixed, planning how to pay my bills for the rest of the year after I quit my job, trying to get enough data on my project to be able to publish it in enough time to be able to finish my dissertation next year, keep my boss happy, deal with an ex who can't seem to get over it, deal with the one person I would love to date and who I can't seem to get on the same wavelength with, and others who I can't get involved with because I know that I'm occupied with the one, family drama and politics... it's too much. I'm doing too many things.

Some days I just want the world to hold still. I just want to be able to think. And it would be nice to have someone to do it with, but I guess we can't have everything, right?

Where?

You know, I'm the real deal. I'm the good guy, the one who works hard, tries to be a good and honest person. The one who is nice to others, who enjoys a quiet night at home. I'm that guy.

Why is it so hard to meet someone who sees that and can meet me there?

Other People's Crap

I know that I'm being a hermit in many ways. And I don't care. It's better for the other people that I keep to myself right now. For one reason:

I'm sick of other people's crap.

I'm tired of other people criticizing and nitpicking at me for ridiculous things that don't matter. I'm tired of double-standards. I'm tired of people taking things out on me. I'm sick of it.

So... here's the rule of the day right now. I'm hanging out with nice people only. I'm refusing to put up with people who cause their own drama. I'm refusing to get drawn into fights or arguments with other people about things that don't matter.

I'm hanging out with nice people only. I'm enjoying the beautiful fall weather. I'm finishing paying off my bills. I'm enjoying reading books, getting through the work that I need to do at school, pursuing my own interests, and also just playing my new Wii.

In the meantime, if you want to be nice and not cause pointless drama, call me. If not, I'll let you know when I have regained my patience. But that time is not now.

It's Up To Me

I hate having this decision to make. And it's completely unfair that it's been left to me. I can't decide what to do. And I am not usually an indecisive person.

I left the PR guy months ago. Months! He was still talking about trying to work things out until not that long ago. But I never saw any action that direction. Finally, I got sick of waiting for him to figure it out. I'm not going to get into the sordid death of the relationship. I'm bitter about it still, and I know that I am.

But here's the thing. I know that I love him, and probably always will. I know that he loves me too. And therein lies the heart of the problem. Finding such a person, is a rare and wonderful thing. Some people never find such a person at all.

I have made such an effort the last little while to move on with my life. To reconnect with friends that I've neglected in favor of cultivating my former relationship. I've focused more on moving my education along. I've gotten my life into better order. And I've started meeting new people as well.

What does it say when you feel self-conscious about how nice people are to you because you now realize that your ex really didn't treat you well at all? I find it sad. And I find it even more sad that it's happened to me and that it's not someone else that I'm talking about here.

At any rate, this last weekend, he asked me one more time to get back together with him. I asked him why now, and why would it be different this time than it was before? He told me that he didn't have any doubts anymore. It's ironic that he can work through all of his own doubts while managing to completely destroy my confidence in the relationship.

As stupid as it sounds, I still feel a bit torn. The hopeless romantic part of me wants to say that this time he could really mean it. And we have all this history, and this time things will be better. But my logical mind is also remembering all the little things he did, the way he made me feel a lot of the time towards the end. Wouldn't I just be doing the more kind thing for both of us by saying no.

Even though I've started meeting knew people, and actually several of them seem really great... it's early. And they're all human. They'll all have their problems too, as do I. So I shouldn't look through rose-colored glasses at all of them.

I cannot help but wonder that after he gave up last night and said that he'd just have to move on and learn to accept the consequences of his actions... what would happen if I walked over to his office today. If I just walked in and he was sitting there, and I told him that I'd give him one last chance. What would happen? In the movies, there would be music, and people's heads would turn as I walked through the office. He'd break off in conversation, and stare as I approached, I'd say something short and poetic. He'd tear up, and then we'd hug and go for lunch together.

It's probably a pipe dream. I think I know that if I gave him another chance that he'd end up treating me just as he was. The leopard doesn't really change it's spots, right?

I told him that I've heard the words before, and that if I let him say "I'm sorry" and took him back again... that I just don't know if things would change. He told me that he didn't want to just say sorry and start over again, that he wanted to show me how much I mean to him. I asked him what he wanted to do, and why he waited until now after a year and a half to decide that he needed to do that. He didn't have any answers.

I asked him what he thought the right thing for me to do would be as well, he didn't know. I told him that I feel like I'm being mean, but that I also don't feel like I've been left with any choice in the matter.

But the possibility is there. And I am having a hard time ignoring it. Do I go ahead, continue to move forward and not look back? I could go over there, sweep him off his feet and maybe change everything. I could. But I could also be giving up meeting some really great new people if I were to take him back... something that could be so much better and more happy. He's the one who should be doing those things to me. But the decision is once again left to me.

How many people really find someone that loves them? However flawed each of the people is. How is it that I can walk away from that? Isn't loving enough?

I am over fighting with him. I'm over worrying about this anymore. It should have been done months ago. But here I am, still thinking about it. Wishing I felt more sure about what I believe I know is the right thing... to just move on.

I wish these things were more simple. I wish I knew the conclusion from the outset in some ways. I'm not sorry it happened, but I just think I've got to move on. I deserve something more than I was getting. He needs to learn how to treat someone else who he wants to spend his life with.

I wish him happiness. I wish for happiness for me too. I just don't know that I could ever go back, or that I could ever believe in an "us" again. I wish he'd prove me wrong. I just know that he won't.

My life isn't like the movies. No magic. No princes. It's just me. I guess I should just get used to it.

Lightning On The Lake

I woke up this morning at 2 am. And in the darkness as I lay there, thinking of many things, I watched the lightning flashing over the lake. It lit up the night sky with every flash. In that dark sky over the city in which I can never see any stars.

I lay there in my bed, with my head rolled back to see out of my windows... and I watched the lightning play over the surface of the lake. In the brilliant moments of its attack on the lake, I could see the waves, crashing and crashing against the darkened shore. Moments later to be followed by deep thunder. In not too much longer, it begins to rain.

I know that I am peculiar in this way. That I will take and notice small things and be fascinated by them. I was content for a while this morning, simply to sit and watch the lightning through the rain, over the lake at 2 am. I watched the heavens release their fury upon the sleeping world below.

It is in moments like this that I'm prone to think deep thoughts, to analyze the world and my life. To think of the mysteries of the universe while I watch the world outside in the darkness... the world that everyone else is missing as they lie in sleep, the world that moves on, unaware or uncaring of my observation from my little window in my little apartment.

It is at times like this that I remember the dream of Dexter, the one where he wakes up all alone in the darkness and is scared. Scared that somehow during the night, during his oblivion to the world that he has been cast out, out beyond its boundaries. Beyond reach, beyond return.

For Dexter, he had Brad's sneaker. And he knew that as long as he had Brad's sneaker, that Brad couldn't be too far away.

But for me, there is only the darkness, and the night, and the thunder. And somehow I am comfortable in the darkness in a way that Dexter is not. I wrap it around me and I watch. I watch the lightning crashing into the lake, I watch the waves churn.

For a few moments, I am content to know of my smallness and insignificance in the world. But also secure in knowing that I am a part of it. And so knowing, I slip back into my rest. And I dream the dreams of thunder, and of night. And the world continues to sleep.

525,600 Minutes

How do you measure a year? That's the question, right?

When I look back to how things were a year ago, it seems like a different lifetime.

I am not going to try and summarize. It's too much. Relationships have ended. Others have begun. There are new people in my life. There are old people who've moved on.

What I can and will say is that, once again, I've regained my perspective of what's important. I've moved my focus back to school and where it needs to be.

But most importantly, I've been able to find again that quiet place at my center... the one where I can always reach out and find God. Who oddly, seems so much like my own father. He listens to me. Doesn't always give me all the answers because he knows that it will be best for me to find them on my own. But so patient. So kind. So loving.

I'm back. Things are moving again, where they had felt frozen and stuck.

It's nice to know that God does still listen to my prayers, and that he answers them too. When I have turned to him, he has always been there. And things have worked out for the best, even if they were unpleasant to start with.

I knew that if I just held together that the storms would pass. They will come again, but it's good to be moving forward again.

It isn't much, but it took all year. Thank God this moment is not our last.

I've Been Alone All Along

I am not a naturally bitter person. But I am bitter now.

PR guy, I trusted you. And you hurt me, again and again.

The thing is, I believe that you love me. You know that I love you. But you always gave the best part of yourself and the best part of your time to other people. And you always expected that I would just be there waiting for you.

You were wrong.

I ended up going through a lot of hurt and heartache because I let myself not see.

You were breaking my primary rule of relationships/friendships.

"People make time for what is important to them."

You always had time... for friends, for drinks, for whatever you wanted... and you had time for me when it was on your terms... doing what you wanted, being with who you wanted, when you wanted to do it.

For some reason, I let myself think it, though I have criticized the same behavior in other people. This is the result of my foolishness.

I am not sorry for the good moments that we had. I'm not sorry for the feelings that we shared.

But I am sorry for not being honest with myself, for not recognizing it... when you made it so painfully clear.

I am sorry that I've hurt you now in telling you all of this. I am sorry that I had to do the hard thing. I regret being forced to be the bad guy.

But you've made me into this unhappy, bitter, jealous, and repressed person. It had to stop.

It could have been different. It could have all been different. But it was not up to only me.

And you chose other things... over and over again.

So I have given you those things. And I hope that you will now be happy.

As for myself, I give myself this moment, this night, to feel. To feel my own sorrow. To say goodbye. And I listen to this song because it now fits so perfectly how I feel.

"I'm so tired of being here
supressed by all my childish fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me.

You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams.
Your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.

-"My Immortal", Evanesence

Regretfully yours,

VenerableRyo